There are many ways to measure success. One of them being: The number of nickels you receive from charities.
Recently, a charity mailed me a whole nickel. This raises the amount of money I’ve received from charities over the years by infinity percent. You too can be a success story just like me. Just follow these simple instructions:
(1) Visit the LA Zoo to get your name into their database
(2) Wait for them to submit your home address to Childrens’ Hospital of Los Angeles
(3) Receive your fortune
All thanks to the Children’s Hospital’s Not-For-Profit marketing campaign! Not-For-Profit! You don’t say!
Apparently, as many as 13,000 accidents occur every year to elementary-age children who injure themselves at school, mainly on unsafe (non-padded) playground equipment. Here I was picturing a romanized “gladiatorgarten” where children duel each other for sport, the last SnackPack, and more importantly: “For their lives!”
Scarier yet is the contradictory statement printed in the paragraph just prior, that announces 2.2 million children are injured while attending school. My calculator informs me, “But that implies 2,187,000 of those injuries are intentional! How can this be?” Even character map is skeptical. ( ¿¿¿ )
Also enclosed is a plea to send the nickel back containing their favorite slogan, in case I had missed it.
“Don’t forget to return the enclosed nickel – we need every nickel to help children battling for their lives!”
How sad. These children are at war and the hospital is mailing out the very nickels they use for sustenance, or to forge weapons, or however it is that they use them.
In addition to the blood-nickel, I received about 50 self-addressed stickers with both me and my girlfriend’s name on them. This is in fact quite thoughtful. I shall remember to thank the machine that mass-produced these, if I decide at some point to go in the hole -$0.36 to send the nickel back.
Amazingly, I saw that someone here at my place of work received A DOLLAR BILL from a charity. Seriously — a real dollar, just inserted under the clear plastic wrapping a magazine and some other literature.
By the way — and I am doubting the possibility because it would just be way too strange — but are you a certain Justin Reinhart who attended junior high school in Cross Roads, Texas?
Good for you for asking. You never know!
Well, in this case you did. I am sadly not the Justin Reinhart that attended junior high school in Cross Roads, TX. (Not sad for me. Sad for you.) I have only been in Texas for a layover.
Your friendly comments are appreciated however. I do dream of the day I too will receive individually-wrapped dollars in the mail.
this really made me laugh.. why have you stopped posting entries?
Thank you for your encouragement. I read your message loud and clear: “Get to work.”
It makes me think, “Well, maybe I should.” But I probably think about writing a million times more often than I actually write. Instead of writing, I spend most of my time being thankful that I don’t apply the same think-but-don’t-act practice to other aspects of my life. Breathing is the perfect example of this.
So, in short, breathing is taking up all my time.
No that is not an acceptable excuse. I do appreciate what you’re saying and I agree. I’ll see if I can’t make myself do something about it. Thank you.